The past few days / weeks (what's the difference now?) have been living hell for me. As well as my existing plethora of symptoms I seem to have developed what I am fairly certain is a combination of hyperacusis and tensor tympani syndrome in my right ear. Ironically this is what that cunt doctor who couldn't be arsed to examine or diagnose me properly at the beginning lazily suggested I had. I knew I didn't have it at the time and now I'm even more certain, because now I DO fucking have it. Fucking hell. The ironic SHIT that nature throws at my physical health honestly feels like Sheogorath is testing my fucking breaking point, it really does. Anyway, any sudden sound above the level of a shrew causes my ear to flinch and flutter (presumably the tensor typmani muscle) and me to jump like a little baby. I am a total wreck now. I don't want to get up, to eat, to sleep, to work, to play, I just want to be unconscious. Waking up is misery as my consciousness is thrust back into this creaking, rattling vessel once more - the only relief is knowing that eventually I will become tired and drift away once more. Death no longer feels like something to be feared or delayed, but a welcome, sweet relief. It shouldn't be like this. Fuck you.
Anyway, just as an experiment more than anything, as by sheer chance I've woken up at a relatively human time today (6.30am, anyone?), I have decided to see how productive I can be in the face of all this bollocks, and whether I feel any better at the end of it than I have for the last couple of weeks. Wish me luck! Haha! Yay! CUUUUUUUUUUNTS (not you, I'm just venting my endless rage in a pointless direction). Please appreciate your health while you have it.
onic the Hedgehog runs fast so I made a song about him that is fast.
See what I did there? It all ties together! Like the shoelaces of someone who's had their shoelaces tied together!
See what I did there? I made a joke! Like the fictional novelty toy company Acme!
See what I did there? I referenced something that's not actually real! Like half the edits on Wikipedia!
See what I did there?I took a jab! Like a child being vaccinated against its parents' wishes!
See what I did there? I made a dig in a controversial manner! Like Fred West!
See what I did there? I set my sights on Gloucester, and then put my foot in it! Like Doctor Foster!
See what I did there? I relied on a nursery rhyme to make my point! Like 2Chainz!
Thanks to CarbonArk for the production chops.
"Dan, you should do songs about board games too!"
I present to you, the Monopoly rap.
Ages ago I wrote a song about George Osborne and the Tory/Coalition government's budget plans. It has been sitting on my hard drive until today, and now I'm sharing it with you because I think it is still really rather relevant...
Look! The new Epic Rap Battles of History has me in it!
And here's some footage I took when I was over in LA to film the episode:
This is probably the single most frequent request I get. Well, here it is. The first verse is handled by Suicide VI (formerly known as Shizzy who you will have heard on previous tracks of mine). For my verse, I tried to work in as many placenames from WoW as possible. I don't even know how many there are...
My song about World of Tanks has 50 tank names hidden in the lyrics. How many can you spot?
It is an absolute fact that my ear symptoms are the worst they've ever been. Since my trip to LA, the clicking and popping happens at a much higher regularity (though certainly not regular in the sense that I can predict or prepare for them). The slightest turn of my head or spoken syllable will set off a chain of clicks, pops, chirrups and farts from the squelchy apparatus in and around my pharynx. It's not just sound either, this is physically uncomfortable. When I turn my head I can feel what I assume is my left eustachian tube "tugging" - an uncomfortable strain underneath my eyeball before I hear a high pitched snapping sound and the pressure momentarily disappears. This is but one of a good dozen or so similar variant symptoms, and this alone happens hundreds of times per day now. God fucking help me, it's driving me utterly mad.
On top of this, I have developed a relatively new symptom whereby my right ear "flutters" and "waves" with a very deep sound and ticklish feeling at 1-2 minute intervals. This is most often triggered by sounds of a certain volume and frequency, for example if someone coughs, or even if I say the word "yes" in conversation. Answering someone with the word "yes" causes my right ear to go fucking mental and completely derails my attention from whatever was being discussed.
Walking too is worse than ever. Each footstep I make is accompanied by between one and four high pitched clicks from what I initially thought was the bones in my neck (due to the type and location of sound). I now suspect the noise is actually something to do with the pharynx rather than any joints or bones, as I have noticed it happening more and more even when I am absolutely still in bed with my head and neck at rest on a pillow. In these cases, sometimes there will be a single central click, and occasionally there will be a sudden burst or flurry of 6 to a dozen clicks.
I've been told again and again by various medical professionals that the simplest thing I can do is "ignore" the symptoms (fucking how?) or to just wait for them to "follow their course" and disappear. After all, "these things take time". I agree, so far it's taken two years for the symptoms to become progressively worse and worse - so it's safe to assume that in another two years they'll be totally gone entirely. And if they're not (shock horror!) it'll only have been four years of daily torment, distraction, worry, discomfort, anxiety and depression. Perhaps it'll be gone in eight years?
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK
This game really suprised me when I played it. It really makes you feel like you're in the turn of the 1940s/50s America (not that I have any idea what that was actually like). Perhaps the best mafia themed game I have played. And thusly, here is my tribute to it!