The Pope came to my home town, so I wrote him a welcome letter.


Dear Joseph Alois Ratzinger, Pope Benedict XVI, Bishop of Rome, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City and formerly Archbishop of Munich and Freising, Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith and Dean of the College of Cardinals.

I’m not a Catholic, but I’m a chap that thinks some of your actions stink and want to ask some things. Will Mr Ratzinger listen to a rap singer? Maybe – in the past he listened to that chap Hitler. Sorry, I couldn’t resist, back to business; back in the habit like Lauryn Hill in Sister Act is. Did you ever see that flick? It’s fantastic. I can lend you the VHS if you fancy it.

Damn, I’m rambling. Damn I didn’t mean to say “damn”. Damn, I just said “damn” again. I’m a bit anxious I’ll be tagged as discriminatory, similarly to your religion’s history. I know what it’s like to have a stigma stick to you, you were in the Hitler Youth, I was in the local Scout troop – ’til the parents found out that Baloo liked bare Cubs a little bit more than he should do.

And that’s what I’d like to discuss with you, the sick stuff some kiddy fiddlers are into. It’s like sometimes you’re less inclined to find the truth than to hide the abuse under your roof. You’re quick to stick it in when other people sin so why are you so unwilling to take this one on the chin? You might think that it isn’t my business, but you’re into forgiveness, so forgive this:

Your hollow apology bothered me horribly, it’d probably be better if you’d not said a fucking thing. My God, I just swore at the Pope, I’m so sorry, honestly. Now that’s an apology. Not just promising to modify your policy moderately to smother the controversy you’ve often seen. It’s sick, depraved system failure, it isn’t just as if it’s “misbehaviour”.

You find out you’re hiring a kiddie rapist and you don’t even make a criminal complaint, it’s insane. If this was any other organisation you’d be taken straight down the station to make a statement. Now not all papists are rapists, and the clergy isn’t permanently pervy but face it: there’s a disproportionate amount of cases; it’s almost as if they happen on a daily basis. You’re the Holy See’s head of state and loads of people want to see your head on a plate. Now I won’t go that far, but it’s fair to say that from this day, things better change.

Jesus preached: love one another, but it seems some priests just want to bugger. Jesus preached: love one another, but it seems some priests just want to bugger.

Some priests just want to bugger. Some priests just want to bugger.