Awkward fan mail

It’s very cool having fans. But if I combined all the awkward fan mails I received into one, it would look something like this. I get dozens of variations of this email every day and i try to reply politely to every one:

Hi Dan, I’ve been a fan since I heard your Skyrim rap in late 2011 (or was it early 2012, I can never remember!) You’re not like all those coloured rappers who just rap about being coloured and ignorant and coloured! I just wanted to say I think it’s awesome that you’re connecting with us fans in this way and giving the ‘ol middle finger to the traditional record industry. Bunch of greedy corporate swine! They deserve everything they deserve – and more! But anyway, yeah, I was just wondering whether you’d like to come to my town some day for a few drinks and a bit of banter. Nothing heavy, I’m not a stalker! Just a casual time with a good fan in glorious Brumtown. I can show you the sights – we have a GREAT Wetherspoons in the Paradise Forum. I’ll buy ya a cheeky pint 😉 Anyway, no pressure. I’m an enormous fan (I know the lyrics to all of your songs by heart, and I daresay I can rap them even faster than you. Here’s a 10 minute video of me copying your raps. Feel free to post it on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube. No pressure!). PS Please could you send me your back catalogue including audio mixdowns of all your YouTube videos in FLAC. I don’t mind if it’s WAV even but FLAC is preferable. I’m in no rush so you can leave it to this afternoon if you like. Ciao and hugs!

[30 minutes later]
Why haven’t you replied? Are you too good to talk to your fans now? Sellout. I remember when you weren’t an asshole. Fuck you, I hope you die of cancer.

It’s very cool having fans. But if I combined all the awkward fan mails I received into one, it would look something like this. I get dozens of variations of...